Unique types of abuse within LGBT relationships

There are many overlaps between heterosexual domestic abuse and LGBT domestic abuse as both revolve around power and control.

There are however, some common forms of abuse unique to, or more likely to happen within, LGBT relationships and it can be helpful for practitioners to be aware of them.

Gay men

  • When a victim is told by their partner/abuser that this is how it is in a gay relationship (this tactic is particularly effective with people who are inexperienced in gay relationships).
  • Threats to out the victim at work, to family or to others.
  • Violence and abuse from family members when exploring sexual identity and coming out as gay.
  • Criticism for not being a ‘real gay’, eg if they have only recently come out or had a previous heterosexual relationship.
  • Saying that no-one will help because a gay man ‘deserves’ the abuse.
  • Saying that agencies like the police are homophobic.
  • Using internalised homophobia.

Lesbians

  • Violence and abuse from a former heterosexual partner and/or family members, perhaps when exploring sexual identity and coming out.
  • Telling the victim that this is how it is in a lesbian relationship.
  • Saying that abuse only happens in heterosexual relationships and can’t happen between two women.
  • Abuse from a former heterosexual partner may involve attempts to stop the victim accessing lesbian spaces or to stop them seeing a current partner. Threats or actual sexual violence may be directed at the victim and any current partner.
  • Threats to out the victim at work, to family or to others.
  • Criticism for not being a ‘real lesbian’, eg if they have only recently come out or had a previous heterosexual relationship.
  • Saying that no-one will help because a lesbian ‘deserves’ the abuse.
  • Saying that agencies like the police are homophobic.
  • Manipulating a shared circle of friends or turning them against the victim.

Bisexual

The issues are similar to those facing gay men and lesbians but can also include:

  • calling a bisexual person 'greedyl or promiscuous.
  • exerting pressure to 'make a decision either way' – telling people that they 'can’t be both'.
  • excluding the victim from LGBT social events and groups because they are not ‘real’.
  • questioning sexual health, enforcing sexual health tests or saying that bisexual people spread STIs between LGB and heterosexual people.

Transgender

Being the partner of a person coming out as transgender can be highly stressful. They can also become the victim of transphobia, have questions raised about their own sexuality and experience rejection and isolation from friends and family. They may also feel rejected by their partner, particularly if they are married or in a civil partnership since divorce or dissolution is required to receive a gender recognition certificate. All of this can lead to major stress for couples, however this never justifies abusive behaviour. Examples of abuse can include:

  • Assaulting surgically or medically altered body parts.
  • Withholding money for transition
  • Withholding or destroying medication, hormones, clothes, make up (ie things that make it ok to go outside and express one’s gender identity.
  • Coercing the victim to get medical or surgical treatment to change their body to how the abuser wants it to be.
  • Targeting sexual or emotional abuse towards parts of the body that the victim may be ashamed of or detached from
  • Criticising the victim’s sexual performance if affected by hormones
  • Forcing the victim to expose scars.
  • Refusing to use the victim’s preferred pronoun or name.
  • Saying the victim isn’t a ‘real’ man or woman, eg if they have not undergone gender reassignment surgery
  • Making the victim feel selfish, guilty or ashamed about their trans identity disrupting their life too.
  • Threats to expose the victim as a trans person to work, neighbours, community, etc.